Lifestyle

On Writing…Confessions of a Procrastinator

(#I should be writing!)

It started with a dream. Cliché alert (I know). But it was one of those dreams that lingers throughout the day, you know the ones. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was inspiration for a page in a book that I didn’t even know I wanted to write. I’ve been telling myself stories since I was little, an extension of the escapism I found in all the books I had read. Still read. I wanted to live inside those worlds, my worlds. None of my stories ever made it onto the page (not yet anyway). I’ve plotted and planned, filled up copious notebooks, bought an obscene number of highlighters and posterboards. The groundwork has been laid, research done, the characters chosen, but when it comes time to put pen to paper, I always find a distraction. There are errands to run, more projects to complete… all just to avoid sitting down to write. Fear much? You know it.

Through the years of trying to write, or better yet trying to avoid writing, I’ve stumbled across bits of wisdom, popcorn trails of encouragement that showed up along the way (thank you Pinterest, Universe). Every Tarot read prompting me to keep going down this rabbit hole. But still procrastination won out every time. Do you know how many articles I’ve pinned on the subject? Quotes from authors like Ray Bradbury saying I should be writing every stinking day (truth! I should). Pie charts sarcastically showing how little time authors spend writing – way less than the time spent “researching” and significantly less than the time it takes to thoroughly procrastinate an entire book. I put stock in that pie chart, taking comfort in the fact that I wasn’t the only one and if other authors were doing the same then maybe I was a fricking writer after all!

For me, it boils down to this… if the dream is still off on the horizon somewhere, then mistakes haven’t been made, failures haven’t been realized. Right? What bothers me is that if I loved to write, why wasn’t I doing it?  Didn’t I really want this? Or was I just too fucking scared to try? Nothing changes if nothing changes, my friend told me recently. No challenge, no change. Pretty much sums it up.

That story, that dream is now thoroughly researched, plotted, etc., etc. And instead of sitting down to the keyboard and hammering out chapter after chapter, I began researching, plotting, planning another story. This one I’ve been encouraged to tell, one that I know needs to be told. I call it my “salon book”. I rationalized the switch by telling myself, “Why not cut your teeth on something you know?” I know this was an excuse and a way to avoid actual writing, but it was also a valid argument. I’ve been a hairstylist for 30 years and believe me there are plenty of stories to be told. After all that time behind the chair, how could I not use all that juicy, salacious goodness.  And now, there are characters and plots that have been researched and planned, etc. etc. And I’m back to distractions and avoidance.  Honestly though, the main character was a bore, so I scrapped the salon book and earmarked them for a blog, this blog. Sensing a pattern here? But it’s writing, it’s still writing I tell myself.  And my “dream” book is still waiting to be written…

I’ve received a gazillion nudges to consider doing this, this blog. And I tell myself, maybe someone needs to read this or maybe I need to put pen to paper and get this off the replay in my head. If I’ve learned anything from doing hair all these years, it’s the value of someone being vulnerable enough to share their stories, show you their flaws and graciously remind you, “Yea, me too.” Not in a ‘one up you’ kind of way but in a way that reminds us that we’re ALL human, flawed, scared, hopeful. And I’ve noticed throughout the years, that the things we ALL go thru, the stories we ALL tell ourselves, always have a common thread – hope, fear, regret, a need to connect… And family issues, oh boy don’t we ALL have ’em. Nothing like a big bowl of family guilt to remind you why we can’t pursue whatever “pipe dream” we shouldn’t be chasing.  The narratives and self-defenses we’ve clung to for too long keeping us stuck in the day to day of just getting through.  “Who am I to be brilliant?” and according to my favorite poem from Marianne Williamson (most notably spoken by the Great Nelson Mandela and too often attributed to him as the author) “Actually, who are you not to be?”

So here I go, down that rabbit hole once again. And for those of you going through your own writing adventure, “We’re all mad here!” (Yea, me too!)